Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
