I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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