you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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