Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
what the fuck happened to the tacos
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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