I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
