blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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