if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
The beer is more important than you right now.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
