I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
