Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
