I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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