...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
