I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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