she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
