Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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