Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
