she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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