i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Randomize
