Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
