he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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