it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
