Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
