I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
The best revenge is premature balding
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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