the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
