Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
