Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
