I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
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