I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize