I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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