I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
