Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
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