OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
