we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Your cock deserves a montage
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
