After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
