I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
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