i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
