I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
