why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
