My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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