I need to stop coming to work sober
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
