you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize