Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
