i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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