why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
How's work?
Spinning.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
