before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
