i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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