Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
