I smell stomach acid.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
This is classic penis vs brain.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
