Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Houston, we have a blender
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Randomize
