Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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