As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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