I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
