Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
