I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
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