I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
