I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
