Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
