that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
