Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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