Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
