What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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