Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just found puke in my bra..
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
