The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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