I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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